Number of People who Love Me

Sunday, November 6, 2011


inspired by esther earl's video:
"i kind of urge you to write in your diary or your blog post or a video or on a postit your feelings, because it feels good to kind of see what they are."
rest in awesome, sweetheart.

disclaimer: this is going to be me selfishly rambling about myself. and it's not going to be humorous. and it's going to have uncensored language. and people are going to get offended. sorries.

moving on!

i feel fear, i guess. i'm afraid of making the wrong choices. i'm afraid of fucking things up. i'm afraid of wasting time. i'm afraid that my life is meaningless. i'm afraid that there is a god who's as hateful as christians make him out to be. i'm afraid that hell exists. i'm afraid religions are right. i'm afraid religions are wrong. i'm afraid that i'll never find the right answers. i'm just. afraid.

i feel overwhelmed. there are too many paths i could take and i'm overwhelmed by all of them, i'm overwhelmed by all the decisions that have to be made. "our lives are made up of finite moments and we choose what to do with those moments." -john green in a recent vlogbrothers video. i'm overwhelmed by the amount of things that i could be doing with those moments, and the opportunity cost of every fleeting second.

i feel jealous of the people who have a hundred percent confidence in what they believe, be they muslims, atheists, christians, buddhists, hindu, etcetcetc. i covet the sense of peace they must have. i'm jealous of the fact that they don't wrestle with this sort of existential angst and fear every. waking. moment.

at the same time, i feel angry at people who try to throw religion at me like it's fact. i LOVE learning about religions and science, but i want to learn about it in an unbiased manner. when people start throwing "god loves you!" and "you were created to worship god!" and "you'll go to hell if you don't believe exactly like i do, you infidel!" at me, then i get pissed. i want to think for MYSELF. i want to get the facts and sort through them on my own and come to my own conclusions. i do not want your personal beliefs shoved down my throat like a dirty sock. (heheh, i like that analogy.) i want to have my own beliefs, not yours. kthxbai.

i feel happy that i am alive, no matter what ends up happening after death. i feel happy that i have a family that loves me, very few health problems, and very little reason to have my anxiety levels through the roof (irrational teenagerdom sucks).

i feel hopeful when i watch inspirational people like esther and john and hank. i feel hopeful that maybe someday i can be one of those inspirational people. (and then get worried all over again that i never will be whoops.)

i feel sad a lot. there's really no reason for it. i just do.

i feel peace on those rare occasions that i realize i've done okay things in the world. peace in those moments where i feel sure that the good i've done has outweighed the resources i've wasted.

i feel regret that certain things happened, but i'm also glad they did because i feel like i'm a stronger person because of it.

ultimately, i try to feel invincible. but sometimes it's hard.

and there's a bunch more inside me that i'm feeling but it's hard to sort it all out. up there ^^ is the vast majority of it all.

see you later.