feelings.

inspired by esther earl's video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa3XHeMtY3s
"i kind of urge you to write in your diary or your blog post or a video or on a postit your feelings, because it feels good to kind of see what they are."
rest in awesome, sweetheart.

disclaimer: this is going to be me selfishly rambling about myself. and it's not going to be humorous. and it's going to have uncensored language. and people are going to get offended. sorries.

moving on!

i feel fear, i guess. i'm afraid of making the wrong choices. i'm afraid of fucking things up. i'm afraid of wasting time. i'm afraid that my life is meaningless. i'm afraid that there is a god who's as hateful as christians make him out to be. i'm afraid that hell exists. i'm afraid religions are right. i'm afraid religions are wrong. i'm afraid that i'll never find the right answers. i'm just. afraid.

i feel overwhelmed. there are too many paths i could take and i'm overwhelmed by all of them, i'm overwhelmed by all the decisions that have to be made. "our lives are made up of finite moments and we choose what to do with those moments." -john green in a recent vlogbrothers video. i'm overwhelmed by the amount of things that i could be doing with those moments, and the opportunity cost of every fleeting second.

i feel jealous of the people who have a hundred percent confidence in what they believe, be they muslims, atheists, christians, buddhists, hindu, etcetcetc. i covet the sense of peace they must have. i'm jealous of the fact that they don't wrestle with this sort of existential angst and fear every. waking. moment.

at the same time, i feel angry at people who try to throw religion at me like it's fact. i LOVE learning about religions and science, but i want to learn about it in an unbiased manner. when people start throwing "god loves you!" and "you were created to worship god!" and "you'll go to hell if you don't believe exactly like i do, you infidel!" at me, then i get pissed. i want to think for MYSELF. i want to get the facts and sort through them on my own and come to my own conclusions. i do not want your personal beliefs shoved down my throat like a dirty sock. (heheh, i like that analogy.) i want to have my own beliefs, not yours. kthxbai.

i feel happy that i am alive, no matter what ends up happening after death. i feel happy that i have a family that loves me, very few health problems, and very little reason to have my anxiety levels through the roof (irrational teenagerdom sucks).

i feel hopeful when i watch inspirational people like esther and john and hank. i feel hopeful that maybe someday i can be one of those inspirational people. (and then get worried all over again that i never will be whoops.)

i feel sad a lot. there's really no reason for it. i just do.

i feel peace on those rare occasions that i realize i've done okay things in the world. peace in those moments where i feel sure that the good i've done has outweighed the resources i've wasted.

i feel regret that certain things happened, but i'm also glad they did because i feel like i'm a stronger person because of it.

ultimately, i try to feel invincible. but sometimes it's hard.

and there's a bunch more inside me that i'm feeling but it's hard to sort it all out. up there ^^ is the vast majority of it all.

see you later.

vlogging!

hello, my eight precious followers! *cackle* long time no see. there has really been nothing interesting to report. or maybe i've just been lazy. probably the latter, because as we know, my life is OH SO EXCITING.

i just got back from seeing the movie "contagion", which was excellent even if i despised the ending.

also, i have decided that i am going to start vlogging because i am THAT COOL. and also because wasting time by talking to a camera is fun. my sister needs to teach me how to use windows movie maker. chances are it will fail miserably but i'm totally cool with that. i've done vlogs in the past and they have all FAIIIILED but that is probably because of my lack of editing software prowess.

this is a short update because i'm still feeling particularly lazy.

see you later.

the art of exhaustion.

hello, my eight precious followers! *cackle*

wow EIGHT FOLLOWERS OMG this is intense. with every new person thinking my words are actually important, my sense of self-worth grows.

so in the four days of school that we've had so far, i've pulled all-nighters for two of them, and most-nighters for the other two. yesterday during last period i had been awake for twenty-eight hours (after only getting five hours of sleep the previous night) and my last period of the day was math.

i proceeded to hallucinate and think that i was instant messaging, which caused me to write a bunch of strange random IM crap all over my notes. when i came out of it a bit later, i had to figure out what i was trying to write down before totally tripping out, erase what i wrote while i was tripping out, and then pretend that i had been paying attention the entire time. luckily, even though i have the front seat in the classroom, my teacher was so into his lecture on geometry definitions and whatever that he didn't notice. although it's entirely possible he did notice and just didn't care because people in Dumb Kid Class do that all the time.

my english class might not be so bad, though. i mean, the teacher probably doesn't like me because i spent forty minutes putting five hundred smiley face stickers on my notebook yet neglected to do my homework, but that's okay. he's really into writing, and gave us these notebooks that we're apparently supposed to journal in? of course, we can't write anything interesting because even though he says he's not going to read them, there's a chance he totally will, especially if he's concerned that you're a mental case. although if i was a teacher there's NO WAY i'd read through a hundred kids' chickenscratch, so maybe i should stop being paranoid.

at any rate, he gives us prompts and shit to write with, so that's always a fun time. i feel entitled to awesomeness and a pedestal and stuff since i can actually write. sort of. not really. i pretend i can write and hope for the best.

two of my closest friends have moved away and are not in school anymore, which makes me feel kind of like half of me has been torn away. although mcsparklepants and robin (if either of them are reading this, shoutout guys!!) are still around, so they will probably be periodically mentioned.

update on my house of night rereading - *twitch*

anyway, that's about all i have to say for the moment. just wanted to let you know that i'm alive and everything.

see you later.

the first day of school.

i spent the whole day fantasizing
about jumping off tall bridges
or buildings.

enough said.

american accents.

hello, my seven precious followers! *cackle*

i'm tired after spending several hours walking around trying to find acceptable clothes to buy. also school starts on thursday, which automatically puts me in a pissy mood. and it's as usual the middle of the night. and i'm watching criminal minds. but here is a rant as promised.

who the hell came up with american accents, and where can i defile their grave?

seriously, was it noah webster? because if it was, my new life goal is to invent a time machine so i can go back and KICK HIS ASS. ugh.

so. ugly. so nasally and obnoxious and just plain awful. it doesn't matter what american accent it is (there are a TON), it is horrible.

accents vary by region, and then within the region there are apparently subsets of accents. (for example, according to people, all new englanders have accents. however, maine and massachusetts people have slightly different accents from new hampshirites and connecticuticians. and boston has an accent all its own. i can't hear any differences whatsoever, but whatever floats their boats.)

and i want to just KILL ALL OF THEM.

RARGH.

i'd feel so bad if i ever went overseas to australia or the UK or something! because as soon as you open your mouth, you are immediately asserting a few things:

1. hello, i'm an obnoxious tourist.
2. i hail from the land of Fat, Lazy, and Stupid.
3. my voice shall grate against your ears.

(are any of you seven followers australian or british? do american accents piss you off?)

american chicks go wild for guys with accents. i'm of the firm opinion that it isn't because their accents make their voices more attractive, it's because our accents make our voices uglier.

sighhhhhhh. okay i'm done.

on another note, we had a potentially rabid bat flitting around in our fireplace, but i think it might have flown back up the chimney now. exciting stuff.

would do the ipod shuffle thing, but i don't want to get up, and with my luck you'd get yet ANOTHER depressing song.

see you later.

maine trees vs. new hampshire trees

hello, my seven precious followers! *cackle*

this is gonna be a pretty miscellaneous blog, guys. as such, it will contain personal anecdotes, 'coming soon's, and general boringness. feel free to not read it.

i'm at my uncle's up in maine, which is basically like being at a five-star hotel. the only drawback is that this keyboard is the loudest, clackiest keyboard i've ever typed with. *cringes*

no but seriously. his house is three times the size of ours, complete with hot tub, inlaw apartment, huge backyard (with small fountain), sauna, home theater, and BOOKS EVERYWHERE. plus he stocked up on pizza goldfish (by that i don't mean pizza and goldfish, i mean pizza flavored goldfish) and diet pepsi, because he prides himself on being the perfect host and as such has to construct our personal heaven.

he does a freaking good job of it. i feel like i'm related to a god.

in other news, my hair is awesome. looks sort of like flaming cotton candy. i feel like a bamf.

we went on a whale watch today and saw a bunch of sea life. i'm an ocean junkie, so it was nice for me to just be out on the water. my uncle educated us on GDFLs (that's techie speack for god damn f***ing lobster pots) and lighthouses. woot.

also, we spent a lot of time chilling in aforementioned home theater. it's covered in posters of nazi zombies and lesbian vampires. we watched sweeney todd, edward scissorhands, winter's bone, and severance, which was fun.

quick notes on each movie:

sweeney todd - the johnny depp version. i actually really like it, aside from the fact that helena bonham carter doesn't have a voice for mrs. lovett sighhhh.

edward scissorhands - whaaaaaaaat.

winter's bone - made me excited all over for jennifer lawrence as katniss. SHE KICKS ASS.

severance - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh european horror comedies.

(why am i updating this blog instead of writing my nano?)

(why am i awake? it's 2:30 in the morning.)

(oh right. diet pepsi. curse that stuff.)

gah clackclackclack keyboard.

anyway! for those of you who are still reading, coming soons!

i'm rereading the first house of night book so i can give it a scathing review. it's just - oh - oh god. *twitches* even worse than i remember. like, i'm not even going to apologize for offending you if you like the series, because if you like the series YOU NEED TO BE SLAPPED WITH A FISH.

i'll probably do the same for max ride, although that won't be so bad. the main problems i had with it were the narrator's obnoxiousness, the sequelitis, and the lack of psychological damage. but whatever i'll save it for the review.

coming very, very soon (probably tomorrow) is my rant on american accents. i suspect it will be short, yet poignant. rawr.

(in case you're wondering, i'm not going to do anything with twilight. i feel like i'd be beating a long, long, LONG dead horse.)

i just looked at the blog post title and went 'lolwut' and then remembered that i was also going to compare maine and new hampshire SO.

uh. they both have, uh, trees. maine's are prettier, i guess? and uh. lots of rocks. new hampshire rocks > maine rocks.

also maine has sales tax. HAHA LOSERS. *points and laughs*

well, i'm done wasting your time. will update soon.

(also i haven't been doing the ipod thing. i'm considering just nixing it, but my ipod is within arm's reach so i'll do it for this one. would you believe - your favorite enemies. HAPPY SONGS, Y'ALL.)

see you later.

various rages.

hello, my seven precious fo -

waitwhat?!

since when has my population of pretty followers (*customary cackle*) almost doubled since my last entry?

...oh right, the shameless self-promotion. forgot.

ANYWAY. hi. i appreciate you all being in my clutches.

gonna stick with the non-capitalization for now, since i didn't get a chorus of people screaming and begging and yelling "NOOO PLEASE WE NEED PROPER CAPITALIZATION OR WE WILL ALL BE INFECTED WITH UNCAPITALIZED RABIES" or some other strange uncapitalized disease.

right now i have rages to, uh, rage about. so here it goes!

1. the house of night series. although this is a long, long, long rage that i should save for another day. *tucks into back of mind*

2. the max ride series. same as above.

3. people who don't like john green novels. it's one of those personal bias things. admittedly they are formulaic (which is why i'm excited to see how he does with 'the fault in our stars'; it seems considerably different from his usual!) and a bit bipolar. but still. uh. yeah.

4. american school systems. seriously, what is this. you make it illegal for people to quit school (at least in new hampshire, not sure how it is in other states) until they're legally an adult, which means we get to spend our four high school years with kids who don't want to be there at all. i mean, quitting school is a pretty dumb thing to do in the first place, since you can't get anywhere without a high school degree. but still.

which brings me to the next point of this rage! not getting anywhere without a high school degree. whose idea was it to structure schools like this? i wouldn't mind this whole notion if we actually, like, DID USEFUL THINGS in high school, but you don't. you waste eight hours learning about something that will have nothing to do with whatever your major in college is, so that your teachers can mark down pretty numbers about how many pretty little test questions you answered right, and how good your pretty little essays are. at the end of four pretty little pointless years, a college looks at these pretty numbers and either says, "hey, let's let this chick/dude/other gender into our school cause they must be REALLY SMART AND HARDWORKING hurrdurr" or "NO, DUMBFACE, GTFO".

(that's a simplified version, stuff like SAT scores and community service and extracurriculars also factors in, but that's the gist of it.)

so i wasted eight hours a day, five days a week, for four years, so that a college can look at a slip of paper and decide if i'm good enough to learn anything that will actually benefit me in life.

what the hell.
just.
what the hell.

although from my other entries you can probably gather that i hate school in general. i don't think that invalidates this, because i'm not writing this from an "omgz y do i have 2 drag my butt 2 a desk in da morningz", i'm writing this from "WHY IS THIS STRUCTURED SO STUPIDLY", but feel free to think i'm biased.

okay.

that felt so good.

people who actually read to the end, i applaud you. *claps*

i feel better now okay. will rage about the house of night and max ride series(es?) presently.

see you later.